Author’s Note:
This is a rough draft. It has not been edited properly. Nothing is set in stone yet, and things may change as the draft develops. Thank you to anyone who reads and leaves feedback.
Read the rest, here:
Six Weeks Later:
Augusta doesn’t call or text Luana.
It’s stupid, really. She wants to. She has so much curiosity when it comes to Luana. She wants to know everything that’s happened since they last saw each other. She wants to ask her a million questions. She wants to know how she’s doing, and if telling Sam about them was as scary for her as maybe she thought it would be.
She has Luana’s number. She could do it. It would be no effort at all.
For whatever reason, Augusta just can’t make herself take the first step.
“It’s because you’re into her, obviously,” Alannah says one night over wine and reality TV.
“What?” Augusta demands. “I am not!”
They’re sitting on the couch in Augusta’s apartment, drinking box pinot grigio and eating take-out shawarma; one of their friendship traditions. Augusta had just finished explaining the whole story to Alannah, finally, starting with that undergrad Halloween party and ending with her coffee with Sam.
“Mhm, yes you are,” Alannah says. “It sounds like you were briefly infatuated with her a decade ago, and now she’s still just as hot, single, and maybe approaching openly queer.”
“Hotter,” Augusta mumbles.
“What?” Alannah asks.
“She’s, like, objectively hotter now,” Augusta clarifies.
Alannah laughs. “But you’re not into her?”
“It was an observation!”
“And I’m observing you, Augusta!” Alannah retorts. “You’re into her, but you’re scared. And I get that, you know? You gotta go easy on yourself.”
Augusta frowns. “I don’t know what you mean.”
Alannah rolls her eyes and takes a big sip of wine.
“Sweetie,” she says, like a tired but sage advice columnist. “This girl freaked out on you once and ran off. Carey just hurt you badly. And you’ve been burned before.”
All of that is true. All of that makes sense.
“So, what now?” Augusta asks. “What do I do about any of that?”
It’s not like she can magically erase all the hurt by acknowledging that it’s impacting her decisions. Augusta would say that she has a pretty good sense of self-awareness, but she’s not a superhero.
“You’re asking me?” Alannah asks.
“Well, yeah. Seems like you have a better grasp on this situation than I do.”
Alannah laughs. “That’s just because I know you pretty well. But if you really want my advice…”
“I really do,” Augusta confirms. Even if she’s fairly convinced that that advice is going to be suck it up and call Luana anyway. Maybe she just needs to hear somebody say it.
“I think you need to suck it up and call Carey,” Alannah says.
Well, now hold up a second.
“Carey?” Augusta asks.“The guy who is happily with the man he left me for? Or, maybe that’s the wrong way of explaining how that happened…”
“Not to get back with him,” Alannah rolls her eyes. “To get closure! I don’t think you’re going to be able to actually move on and try things with anybody else if you just leave this gaping wound festering.”
Augusta wrinkles her nose at the analogy. Is Alannah telling her she has relationship trench foot or something?
“I really don’t want to talk to him,” Augusta admits.
“Do you think he’ll be a jerk?”
“No,” Augusta says. “He’s never a jerk.”
“Never?” Alannah raises her eyebrow.
“Never!” Augusta insists. “I know it kind of sounds like he’s a jerk with how everything went down, but that’s really just not who he is.”
“So he’s an idiot?” Alannah asks. “Sounds like those are the only two options.”
“Why do you want me to talk to him again?” Augusta asks, exasperated.
“Because sometimes I think you think that you’re cursed!” Alannah says. “Like it’s somehow your fault, every single time. I think you really need to hear his apology, and not in the heat of the moment. This had nothing to do with you. And it’s probably never going to happen again, because it was already a very unlikely scenario.”
Well, she has a point about one thing. If Augusta finds herself in a situation like this ever again, she may as well start playing the lottery.
“I’ll think about it,” Augusta tells her, because on some level she suspects that Alannah is right. At least, she knows her friend is trying to give her good advice.She would never intentionally suggest she do something that would end poorly.
But it doesn’t matter whether or not Alannah is right; all Augusta can think about is how uncomfortable the whole thing makes her. Is it actually possible that the thing she dreads could be the thing she needs?
Alannah takes Augusta’s hand and gives it a little squeeze. “Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, Augusta. Sometimes I just worry that you’re so resigned to being a chapter in other people’s stories, you’ve forgotten that you deserve your own.”
Eight Weeks Later:
It takes two more weeks for Augusta to make a decision. She spends a lot of time thinking about everything Alannah has said. Some days, she thinks she’s being overly sensitive and that Alannah must be right. Other days, she thinks Alannah is crazy and she’s never fucking talking to Carey again. In the end, she decides to call Carey with the understanding that it could be a really bad experience. Augusta tells herself it doesn’t matter; however this goes, she has nothing more to lose. But if Alannah is right, maybe she has something to gain.
They plan to meet at the same coffee shop where she ran into Sam. This isn’t because Augusta is trying to make anything more painful for herself. Even if Alannah did say that maybe they should meet somewhere else. It’s actually because Augusta is trying to protect the locations that she likes. That little coffee shop is already sort of ruined; she could run into Sam there at any point. She might as well not spoil another one of her favorite cafes to go and peacefully mark papers.
Augusta gets there first. She picks a table that’s not far from the exit and orders an herbal tea. She does not need caffeine for this.
When Carey arrives, three or four minutes after her, it’s sort of brutal. He walks towards the table and pauses, like he’s not sure whether he should try to give her a hug, shake her hand, or just sit down. She really can’t handle a hug right now.
“Sorry,” Carey says instead of saying hi. “I don’t actually know what to do.”
Well, she supposes that hasn’t changed. Damn, that was mean. She doesn’t need to be mean. That won’t help anything today.
“It’s fine,” she says. “This is going to be awkward no matter what we do.”
Carey looks relieved that she has once again let him off the hook.
He takes a seat across from her, not even bothering to order a drink. Maybe he doesn’t think this will take long. Maybe he’s also avoiding caffeine.
“So, uh…” Carey starts, voice tight. “How have you been?”
“I’ve been worse,” Augusta says dryly.
Not productive. Not productive. Not productive.
Carey blushes. “Yeah, uh… You don’t want to make small talk, I guess.”
“Not really,” Augusta admits.
It’s sort of liberating to admit. She doesn’t want to be nice. She doesn’t want to be gracious. She just wants to get this over with.
“I never listened to your voicemail,” she admits.
His eyes widen with surprise. “Oh. Uh… Okay. I mean, I can’t say I blame you. It was just me checking in anyway.”
“Checking in?” She asks.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he says. “Not that breaking up with me is grounds for not being alright, that’s not what I mean. I’m not saying that. I’m not trying to be conceited.”
She believes him, too, is the thing. He is the sort of nice guy that would just call to check in.
“Just, it was a lot, you know?” Carey continues.
“Oh, I know,” Augusta whispers.
“And I just… I just feel really awful because…” Carey sighs. He runs a hand through his curls. “Maybe I’m being selfish and stupid. But, i-if there’s any way we can be friends…”
Augusta gapes at him. Friends? After all of that? Is he crazy?
“Ugh. Yeah, I hear myself,” Carey says, cheeks getting redder and redder. “Don’t worry. Only, I liked having you in my life. You made it brighter, Gus. So… That’s all the voicemail said.”
And she should shut it down. She should shut it all down. Fuck him, right? Except she can’t. Not entirely. Because what does he mean that despite the fact that he fucked up and she has reason to hate him, he’s still willing to sit through the uncomfortable beratement anyway, because she’s worth having in his life? That seems very odd to Augusta. Very unlikely. But the reason it seems odd to her, she finds, isn’t because she thinks he’s lying, but because he’s saying it about her. No one who has ever broken up with Augusta wanted to keep her in their life. And isn’t that normal? When you’re done with someone, you’re done with them. Right? Or has that just been in her case?
“You really mean that?” She asks him.
“Yes,” Carey answers quickly. But then he looks confused. “Uh, which part?”
“That you…” She trails off, worried whatever she says is going to sound pathetic. “I don’t know. Maybe I thought that once you realized you could have everything you want with Sam, you’d realize how morbid being around me had been.”
“Morbid?” Carey repeats. “Why would you think that?”
Augusta sighs and takes a sip of her tea.
“Come on, Carey. Think of how we met.”
Carey’s mouth twists to the side. He looks a little uncomfortable, like she’s pressed on a tender bruise.
“Yeah, I mean… It was probably fucked up, why we started dating,” he says. “I’m sorry about that. I could see how maybe you felt used, between that and things with Sam. That wasn’t my intention.”
Augusta purses her own lips. Yes, she has to admit, it does feel that way.
“Maybe us getting together did begin sort of morbid,” Carey says. “I was in the wrong headspace to get into a relationship, probably. Definitely, because of the Sam stuff. But, Gus, that’s not why it continued. Not for me.”
Augusta wishes she could just believe that. She wishes she could trust it.
“Were you only with me because my parents are dead and my grief is intellectually interesting to you?” Carey asks.
“No!” Augusta squawks. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Well, then, exactly.” Carey shrugs. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
Augusta looks down at her tea cup, and the off-yellow liquid inside. Maybe she is being ridiculous. It’s not like Carey actually threw her away. He didn’t get bored of her or tire of the things that make her who she is. He just wanted her less than he wanted Sam.
“I’m really sorry if what happened at the lake made you feel like you aren’t worth a fuck ton,” Carey says. “Because you are. You’re incredible. I’m not saying that to be appeasing or make myself seem like less of a dick.”
Augusta exhales. Her eyes sting.
“It’s not just what happened between us. It’s kind of just… My life. But I know that what happened there wasn’t really about me.”
“No,” he agrees. “It wasn’t about you. But I’m still sorry it hurt you.”
“Thank you,” Augusta says. “It did.”
He nods, letting out a little puff of air.
“I wish there was something I could do to make it better.”
Well, he’s here, isn’t he? This has to be slightly more uncomfortable for him than her. He’s the one who knows he’s in shit. In the wrong. The guilty party.
Augusta huffs out a defeated breath. “You are. You are helping.”
Carey looks uncertain about that. “You don’t just have to say that. You don’t have to make me feel any better about this.”
“Believe me, I know,” she says. “My goal is actually to make me feel better.”
He smiles a little. “Good. You deserve to feel better. I can feel semi-guilty about this until I die and this can be a crazy story you tell all your friends for the rest of your life.”
“It is a pretty good story,” Augusta says. “I have something for every dinner party I ever attend now.”
Carey manages to laugh. “The kinds of dinner parties where they ask you but your worst break up?”
“Who said that was my worst break up?” Augusta asks. “I think it was just my weirdest.”
“God,” Carey says. “ I must have missed the worst story.”
Augusta looks down at her tea. She feels a little ashamed about this fact. At least Carey hadn’t grown bored of or fed up with her.
“Actually,” Carey says, “There’s a lot of stuff I missed. A Scooby-Doo themed Halloween story, for example?”
“Oh my God, does everybody know?” Augusta asks.
Carey smirks a little. “You had to know Sam would tell me.”
Augusta groans a little.
Carey’s expression falters. “Sorry, should I not have said anything? If this is completely awkward I can drop it.”
“No,” Augusta sighs. “It’s fine. It was so long ago. The only reason I wasn’t honest with you when I saw her again was because I didn’t want to out her to her boyfriend’s best friend.”
Carey nods. “That was good of you. And with Sam. You could have been way more vindictive about Sam.”
“Well, I wouldn’t call myself vindictive,” Augusta says.
“No,” Carey agrees. “You aren’t.”
“Sam says he still sees Luana,” Augusta says.
She’s not sure why she does. She shouldn’t discuss this with him. It’s weird as hell.
“We both do, yeah,” Carey says. “Uh… Sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?” Augusta asks.
“It feels, like, awkward,” Carey mumbles. “We hang out without you.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t looking for an invite,” Augusta says dryly.
“No, I know…” Carey blushes. “But you know… Still…”
Augusta narrows her eyes. She thinks. She’s pretty sure she wants to forgive Carey. She’s pretty sure she wants to let him off the hook, even. He’s a good guy. He was just a bit irresponsible with her feelings. And a bit oblivious of everyone else’s. But forgiving him too quickly might be a bad strategy here. She can work with this.
“What did you hear?” Augusta asks. “What did she tell you guys?”
Carey gives her a thoughtful look, like maybe he’s reading into her plans.
“Uh, she said she met you at a Halloween party, never got your name, but that you went home together anyway,” he says. “Which, might I say, superb game, Gus. Didn’t know you did that, but I’m impressed.”
Augusta’s cheeks burn. “Okay, well I usually don’t. She was different.”
“And then she freaked out about liking having sex with a woman, ran out on you, and you never saw her again until she arrived at the lake?” Carey says.
“Yeah, pretty much,” Augusta huffs. “Wait, she told you that? She told you she freaked out because she liked having sex with a woman?”
Carey nods. “Yeah, that’s not what she told you?”
“Nope,” Augusta shakes her head. “She told me it was a one time thing, straight as a ruler.”
Carey snorts, like this is amusing to him.
“What?” Augusta demands. “Why are you doing that?”
“Well…” Carey says. Then he stops himself. “Uh…”
“No,” Augusta says. “You have to tell me.”
“I mean, Gus, does it sound straight?”
“Obviously not!” Augusta huffs. “I’m not stupid, Carey. I am the only one who has apparently never been confused by this. But what am I gonna do? Insist she’s not who she says she is?”
Carey’s mouth tightens as he considers this. “Yeah, okay. I see what you’re saying. Uh… Maybe talk to her about that, eh? It might be worth revisiting.”
“What are you saying?” Augusta asks.
Carey smiles sadly. “Sorry, Gus. You know better than anyone that some things aren’t just mine to say.”
Oh, fuck him.
Except, also, he’s right. She needs to talk to Luana herself. If Luana has something to say, she deserves to be the one to say it. It’s just that that’s way scarier than just hearing it from Carey.
Augusta groans. She rubs her eyes. “Fuck. You’re right.”
“Come on, you can talk to her,” Carey says. “If you can talk to me, you can talk to Luana. I’ve been way worse.”
And Augusta is glad that’s an easy statement for him to make.
“It’s not the same!” She argues. “Talking to you was not harder.”
“How?” Carey asks. “Seriously, that’s baffling to me.”
Because, as they’ve established, he’s fucking oblivious!
“Well, Carey, how can our situation possibly get worse than it was before I walked in here?” Augusta asks. “The only risk I was taking was having a bad time.”
Carey looks considerate of this, despite the sharpness of her tone.
“Okay, I get that,” Carey says. “But what about Luana? I mean, what’s your situation with her right now?”
Augusta frowns. “I mean, there isn’t one.”
“Right, so how can it get worse than that?” Carey asks. “If she’s someone you want to talk to again, anyway.”
This is infuriating. Can he stop making good points? This day was not meant to be about him making good points. He’s not supposed to have good points to make! Just good apologies! Which, admittedly, he did also make. What’s Augusta supposed to say to that anyway? It can be worse! She could try again. She could make a real effort again. And she could be left in the fucking dust. Again. What is the point of pursuing that?
“Unless I’m misreading all this,” Carey shrugs. “And it doesn’t matter.”
Augusta frowns. “Maybe it doesn’t. I never said it did.”
Carey gives her a look like she’s trying to sell him air conditioning in a blizzard.
“Okay,” he says. “So it doesn’t matter that she asks about you sometimes.”
“What?” Augusta demands. “No! Carey, stop.”
Carey raises his hands in mock surrender.
“You were asking about her, she asked about you, what am I to think?”
“It would be really convenient for you if this all worked out nicely,” Augusta accuses.
“Well, yeah, I suppose that’s true,” Carey says. “But is it that hard to believe I might actually just want you to be happy?”
“I’m happy enough,” Augusta responds automatically, without even really thinking about it.
Carey’s eyebrow corks upward. “I thought you told Sam to aim for higher than happy enough.”
And for the second time in only a few weeks, in that stupid cafe that used to be a safe haven, Augusta finds herself floored by a man she has spent the last few months thinking was maybe pretty stupid. For the second time, she has no argument or defense to hide behind.
He’s just right.
Somewhere along the line, she’d fallen into the same trap as Sam. Accepting just okay isn’t who she wants to be.
Only, she has no idea how to do the brave thing now.
Love this chapter. 💜💜